Writing and Reading

Good evening, ladies and gentlemen. I’m Hardly There, your friendly neighborhood reporter here at the Unforgivable Rantings of a Wretched Writer, Writing and Reading–the U.R.W.W.W.R., the ‘Uuuuurwwwwer’. And I’m reporting to you about my experience at the Meijer READ THIS! Book Tour. As you may all know due to this post, today was the day for the highly acclaimed tour; and without a doubt, here in Grand Rapids, the world-renowned authors claimed their territory in the great Meijer Cascade store and Knapp store with a vengeance and passion only seen in, well, their own books.

Featuring some of the most prolific thriller writers and mystery writers and romance writers and suspense writers, the sight of them with their infectious smiles and piles and piles of books resembled something like Christmas for me. A Christmas of piles of processed trees bound up and spined and covered with colorful covers of half-naked women and men, comedic artwork and some chilling imagery. Be still my heart.

You may ask me this question easily, though, in…. “Hardly, how can that be exciting? They’re just ‘books’!”

Well, Hardly has an answer to that. Hardly. I mean, they’re hardly just ‘books’.

I can make one simple statement to sum up my experience in showing up to meet the authors on their tour as to why the experience was phenomenal–

Gena Showalter dancing around in a Little Red Riding Hood costume.

Okay, that’s not the only aspect of the tour that made it all worth it for me. There’s more.

First off, let me again list off the names of each writer. One by one.

CT Adams & Cathy Clamp
Jessica Anderson
Allison Brennan
Kathryn Caskie
Colleen Coble
Kresley Cole
Jordan Dane
Deeanne Gist
Tom Grace
Kristan Higgins
Elizabeth Hoyt
Angela Knight
Leslie Langtry
Jade Lee
Robert Liparulo
Susan Mallery
Monica McInerney
Sophia Nash
Deborah Raleigh
Gena Showalter
Chip St. Clair
Roxanne St. Clair
Sherry Thomas

Seems like not enough writers showing up at one store, huh? Hardly says…’hardly’. It was a madhouse there (again, Gena Showalter wearing all red. Did I mention seeing Kresley Cole dressing up like an angel with wings? I’m talking about the Halloween costumes on display at the store. Yes, you heard me. Some of them were dressing up in the costumes and taking pictures. I kid you not).

To sum up this point–the scope of this single tour was massive. I had never seen a tour of that magnitude before. It blew my mind.

But more importantly, I had the sacred, prestigious, high-impact, high-octane, high-as-crack chance to meet the indomitable, mysterious, magnetic, majestic and down-to-earth damsel of the wicked written word, Jordan Dane.

She was nice.

No, seriously, I picked her brain like a doctor at the autopsy table. She signed a copy of one of her books, No One Heard Her Scream. And I bought it. I shall read it in suspense. I also did put her brain back together as best I could. I hope I did a good job. I left and she couldn’t stop drooling and staring off into the wall. Oh, well….

Back to the tour, though, as a whole–

I mean, it was tremendous. And Hardly hardly isn’t lying at all. When I say Hardly There was there, he was there. And there they were. And Hardly There stood there in amorous awe of the authors. And, yes, Hardly There likes to speak in the third person sometimes. I relish in it. Yeah, baby.

I was in such complete awe that I even showed up at the Knapp Corner Meijer for their second stop, and Roxanne St. Clair (Rockie?) looked at me, smiled, and called me a ’stalker’. Hehehehehehehehe…you got it, baby. Use me for your next book, baby! You got it, baby….

In speaking to some of the other authors there–Deborah Raleigh, Kristan Higgins, Kathryn Caskie, Allison Brennan and Robert Liparulo–I could compare the euphoric feeling to that of Neo from “The Matrix” downloading loads of martial arts info in his head and then opening his eyes, saying…”I know Kung Fu.” A stimulation of the mind. Oh, yes.

And you would never think of it–but they’re just like us. They’re crazy, funny, personable, laughing little humans with an appreciation for words and stories and experiences, the very thing that keeps humanity going. Stories. There I was face to face with the best of the best. And for the best of the best, I put my best foot forward, face to face, facing their one message I will always hold dear–

Believe…and never stop trying, keep writing.

I gathered that as my most treasured possession of the tour. I wish them luck on the rest of the tour as well. I also hope Meijer continues to sponsor these monumental events. And I firmly support Gena’s willingness to grab any one of those costumes and throw them on and start prancing around the store. Makes for great publicity! Now only if we could get Jordan to do it, too…or Robert.

Anyway, back to reality. Okay, this is Hardly There for the Wretched Writer’s blog signing off from Grand Rapids at the Meijer READ THIS! Book Tour. Everyone, keep writing, keep working, keep submitting and keep believing. Have a very special day. Taco Supreme.

So my good ol psycho alter ego, “Chuck Stake” (see my post “Meet Chuck Stake”), finally received his free small collection of erotic stories from the prolific publisher Ellora’s Cave. And Chuck Stake will have to say that he is a little soiled in the pants, kind of sweaty, looking for a little bit of meat to toss at the wall, watch the stains smear down like a dead animal. He’s laughing right now. The book he received for winning an award for best “worst” pen name is entitled INSATIABLE by Sherri L. King, S.L. Carpenter and Elizabeth Jewell. A collection of three titillating short stories.

Sweet names, he says. “Sanctuary” was quite the story, he says. It was filled with a load of pure pearly-white action. Enigma was cool. He wanted to be just like him. The layers of skin within the story were sleek and smooth and almost effortlessly pressed onto the paper with ample, supple amounts of passionate page friction (the book felt ‘hot’ off the press, so turning the pages in itself was almost a stimulating experience, so thick and stiff, the paper was). He’s not finished with the book, though. After the first story, he said he was going to take a break. A bathroom break. Blow off some steam. It’s exhausting reading works like that, isn’t it? Once he’s primed and ready to go for another round of reaming, er…reading…he’s going to read the next one within the book, which is “Toys 4 Us”.

This is for you, Raelene Gorlinksy and your wonderful staff at Ellora’s Cave for giving Chuck Stake a chance to sample your supple work. He finds himself exploring the words on the paper like he would a fine piece of leathery skin on a dead animal, to feel the contours of its smoothness, to relish in it, to become one with it….

Again, thank you *bows*.

Hey, Chuck! Get off my bed and get some damn clothes on!!