Writing and Reading

God, I love Halloween. And one of my writing idols–the infamous, torturous, sadistic and just plain fun-loving Wes Craven–put out a wonderful YouTube video for Halloween that everyone must inject into their own personal madness. I just had to post it on here. Have fun. Taco Supreme.

LUCKY for me the early morning wasn’t so cold. I had an idea. Actually, it was a brilliant idea. Plus it sort of ties into writing technique, mannerisms, that sort of thing.

So it’s Halloween right now. I’m at work, early in the morning, 6:30 AM. I had sort of a short night, so I’m absorbing caffeine through coffee. Focus, focus. Daniel-san, focus. Wax on, wax off.

And I thought, well, because it’s Halloween, I’m just not going to get dressed. Nope. So I’m in my PJ’s. Wearing my glasses. All disheveled hair. I’m at work. And I’m drinking coffee. In my pajamas. Spontaneity is a good thing. Just let yourself go, man!

I feel so liberated.

(takes a deep breath after exploding out of the internet fires)

DEAR. GOD. Those clever little DNS demons with their nasty claws they use for the purpose of ripping out those Matrix cords and synapses, keeping us humanfolk out of the internet, having to deal with the doldrums of real life (Sorry, sorry–meant to simply write “RL”), are a nasty bunch. I also have to go home after work here and make sure that my Comcast connection is working okay, because last I heard, it wasn’t. And I don’t want my two roommates losing their sanity. Yes, indeedy.

That’s my explanation, by the way, in being away from my blog so long. Internet went down, in short. All across the Midwest, I might add. Fun.

I must explain the other part of this post, however. “Elfquest”.

What is “Elfquest”, you say? Many of you probably recognize that title. It’s a graphic novel series. Couple Wendy and Richard Pini created the series, and it has charmed the masses since 1978. That’s ironically the year I was born, and, yes–I am indeed a fan. Have been for years.

Learn everything you need to know about the epic series, following the likes of the “Wolfriders”, “Sunfolk”, “Go-Backs”, “Gliders” and ”Wavedancers”, on their web site. The epic stories you will follow will enthrall you with whimsy and color and a world you wish both to see and never to inhabit, what with its darkness, its bloodshed, the fear, the mystery, the magic!

I’m getting carried away. Anyway. As far as fantasies go, “Elfquest” makes the fantasy a reality. Almost.

Pretty soon, they’ll be bridging that gap though, between fantasy and reality. Oh, yeah. And I’m stoked.

I’m writing about “Elfquest” specifically because of these news I had come across, upon their Scroll of Colors.

A film is in the works based on the praised graphic novels. OMG (or: Oh My God) Holy freakin’ cow (actually, in this case, holy freakin’ ELF).

Rawson Thurber, director of that riot comedy “Dodgeball: A True Underdog Story”, will write the screenplay, produce and direct the feature film! Huh?

Okay, whatever. As long as the film’s being done. Heck, my 3-year-old son could direct the movie if he wants–just as long as it gets done! You hear me, Hollywood? Bring me some damn elves! *frothing at the mouth*

Bring them to me…noooooooooooooooooooooooooooow….

Watch this interview of Wendy Pini at the recent Comic Con.

Sort of a literary review. Sort of a ‘preview’ of a literary review. Maybe I’ll call it a…. a literary repreviewiew. Unforgivable ranting? Yes. Deal with it.

Okay, Sarah, I’ll get to the point here. I got the goods here. Ya heard it here first, people. I’ve got the inside scoop on a new Work In Progress from our lovable Sarah Jensen, fellow colleague of mine, friend, headbanger and just all-around weirdo. See her blog. It’s a lot of fun. I promise.

Her new Work In Progress is entitled IN THE DARK. Very alluring, isn’t it?

Now, bear in mind, what I have here is just a taste…a sniff…a brush of the hair, a WHISPER…. So alluring, so enticing, so making me want to reach into the computer and pull her through and threaten her with a plastic spoon and some HiC fruit punch to give me the rest of the damn novel. But I wouldn’t do that. No, I wouldn’t. Scout’s honor.

But I can’t help THINKING IT. *eyes Sarah very seriously*

Okay, let me just say–from the small excerpt she gave me, I already have an idea of the kind of genre I might be dealing with. There’s power in words if, with only a few paragraphs, you can already grasp a certain kind of premise. Knowing the title helps a bit, too.

As always with our wonderful Mrs. Jensen, dialogue screams at you with the voices of angels and demons put together–and yet, somehow, just somehow, she can make those extremes mesh. It is her uncompromising strength. I swear, we should all hire her to write sequences of dialogue. She’s that good. Not to embarrass her much, but she also carries a bit of passion with her. I’m okay with that. I’m sure we all are. There’s NOTHING wrong with a lady like her carrying a bit of passion around. I salute you, female romance writers. (Specifically paranormal or mystery or thriller or urban fantasy, though, I’d have to say. But I will be reading a historical romance shortly by another wonderful friend and writer as well. More to come on that.)

Aaaaaaaaaaaanyway. What I also found interesting…and it makes me want to read more…is unlike some stories concerning gender, it seemed to me that Sarah, of course, pertaining to her style, used a male 1st person as her narrator. Not completely sure, though. For all I know, it could be a lesbian narrator. Some of her word choices still somewhat led me to believe that the narrator is male.

I find that remarkably gutsy, I think. Adventurous. I should talk, though, as my main character in THE CAIN LETTERS is female. So the gender switch really isn’t a surprise for me. But as far as the literary industry goes, I don’t think I really see much of a writer/narrator gender switch often. Call me crazy. But that’s unique. And I like it.

After reading the excerpt, to sum up, I’d have to say I am coerced to read more. And not simply because of the content (eyes Sarah seriously). Although the content is always…interesting.

What I’m talking about is her fast-paced style. She slows down some where it’s needed, but generally, her writing moves at a tight pace. It grabs hold of you. It pushes you forward.

That’s just me, though. I generally like that style of writing. That’s the beauty of being an author. Everyone has a unique voice and style. Sarah Jensen definitely has hers.

And, of course, no spoilers here. I’m not giving anything away, people. Sorry. You can threaten me all you want! I stand…FIRM. IN THE DARK will remain, well…’in the dark’ until our Mrs. Jensen is ready to shine a light for all of us to see.

Besides, the excerpt I received from her was tiny at best. Even if I wanted to spoil any sign of an actual premise, I probably couldn’t say much to you about it. Sarah hath spilt NOTHING for me. NADA. She’s a tough lady to crack. She keeps things under wraps. She’s…secretive.

(looks around, paranoid)

So, Sarah, this post is for you, my friend. I enjoy reading your work. Send me the rest when you finish. And then this prereviewiew will actually turn into simply a…review. Yeah.

Aaaaaaaaaaaaand we’re baaaaaaaaaaack!

I don’t know about you, sexy ladies and awesome alpha males, but I’m in the mood for some metal grindin’, steel-liquid-blooded demon-loving stratocasters with their wretched wrenching sounds, ripping through the air, and red tongues and makeup and the wild hair and fierce goatees, with the jammin’ drums devils drum hard and hellish, piercings and tattoos and heavy rock, ripped muscles–

I’m talkin’ some HARD ROCK, people. You know it. We live for it.

The Wretched Writer jams to some of those heavy tunes when writing action scenes, some of them fight scenes. High-octane, blood-pumping–it’s an audio adrenaline, baby!

Here’s one you’ll love. I love it. You’ll love it. Throw your fingers up in the air and bang your heads–

We’ve got that kick-ass, killer band, “Disturbed” coming up in–

As an avid fan of J.K. Rowling, one of my inspirations, I feel it is absolutely necessary to show you this. Just discovered it. Rather loved it. I could actually feel myself smiling from ear to ear. It makes me long for 2009. It’s coming…. The Half-Blood Prince…. He is coming….

All right, fellas (and tough ladies who love to fight)–so glad to see so many new faces. That OBVIOUSLY means you’ve been following the last rule of My Fight Club. Glad to see it. I’m thoroughly pleased.

All righty. So here we go. I’ve got my nails clipped, not wearin’ any bling. Let’s get it on. I’m ready to lose more teeth. Rawk on.

This is another sequence from my novel, THE CAIN LETTERS. Time to draw some blood, baby….

“Don’t let doubt rule you, Alex.” said Kyan, circling her. “Now try again.”

On her knees, she panted at him. “You can be so annoying sometimes!”

She leaped up, swinging her feet at him—

He swatted every kick, stepping back. His light feet seemed to glide back. She aimed for his neck and forehead, striking with her fingers and the edge of her hand.

He parried each without thought—even without fear, it seemed, as if he knew what she planned. Still, she advanced, crying out in fervor with every strike. He stepped back a few, letting the flow of battle seep into the dojo. He looked to have not broken a single sweat, black hair shining in the light and waving with every thrust met.

She swung a roundhouse—

He turned and ducked.

Time seemed to slow down. She felt her breath crawl as she saw him, out of the corner of her eye, turn to face her from behind.

By instinct, she back-kicked but ran into his grip rather than his face—

She gasped.

Kyan threw her forward by her foot, tumbling her over. She held her breath, compensating, shifting her weight to over-rotate. Landing on her feet facing away from him, she rolled out and then sensed him coming after her.

She turned and felt his hand race toward her throat. Like a sharp dagger, his fingers pointed and tight—Alexandra pivoted right and felt his strike slide across her chest.

She exhaled.

Snapping her arm up to knock his strike off, she countered by successive chops of her own across his chest, knocking some wind out of him. She felt a rush. She found it. She caught him at a weak point.

He, however, grasped her wrists to stop the training short—Kyan had weak points like any other human being, but it didn’t mean he couldn’t gain his control back, especially for a training session with someone as deadly as Alexandra Glade, hunter for the Berith Lochem.

“Good.” he said, heaving. “You relaxed and breathed a little more—you felt the calm.” 

She smiled, heaving just as hard. “And that was why I was able to see your strike coming even before it came, is that right?”

He let go of her, brushing off his flowing black pants. “Well, not so much that you were able to see it coming. Rather, you felt it coming.”

Kyan walked toward the wall of the dojo, grabbing two bo staffs. He tossed one to her. She wiped her brow of cold sweat, taking breaths in. Her hair tied in a single braid and her training black-white gear stuck with sweat to her skin, she looked at him with questions….

He circled her. “I don’t know what’s going on, Alex.”

She blinked. Dumbstruck, oblivious—his comment was as random as nature. Deep down, she thought she understood, though. He always had the habit of reading her mind. In many ways, he declared it his duty to do so.

“Kyan, that threll Breed…was unlike anything I had ever seen.”

“I wish I could’ve been there to face him with you.”

He approached her with his staff, swinging it around his body—

She reacted, blocking his motions. Their staffs collided. She backed away as he advanced, looking for an opening.

Blocking every strike, she gritted her teeth and swung away to the side, evading his charge.

“Stronger than any other threll I ever faced, I’ll say that much.” she said.

“Then what the hell was such a threll like Breed doing here in London? London’s not known for their thrells.”

She approached, thrusting the bo staff at him—

He parried.

Swinging her staff around, she tried to find an opening—

He was too quick, parrying every shot.

She kept advancing on the offense, driving him back—back to the wall. He never faltered, he never lost control, even when backed up into a corner.

Kyan planted the staff on end and held his weight on the other end, standing tall on the wall as Alexandra swung her staff to try and cut him down. She knocked his bo clean right off, but it was just enough time for him to swing around and snatch it back up, only this time on her right side, no longer cornered by her.

She had better luck catching a frog with a spoon; boxing him in had always been an impossible mission. He always knew how to escape.

“That was pretty resourceful.” she said.

He chuckled as she kept on him. “Sometimes—when the world boxes you in, you have to make”—locking staffs, he swept her at the leg, sending her down—“your own resources.”

She laughed, looking at the end of his bo only inches away. “Wise words.” She gripped part of his staff and with the other hand chopped it in half—he stepped back as she swung herself up to stand ready for him—

“My thoughts exactly.” she said.

Come on, Genevieve, you’re omitting some of the most sickly fantasy films in all of history here. Oh, hey, people; how’s it going? Just ranting again about things I’ve read online from some of the best writers, columnists etc etc.

I’m referring to this article the prolific and lovely-named Genevieve Valentine wrote for Fantasy Magazine by Prime Books. “No Objectivity: 10 Fantasy Movies That Ruined It for the Rest of Us.” While there were some I definitely agree with, others made me scream in my head…. “Nooooo waaaaaaay!”

I respect you, Genevieve. Believe me, I do. You knock “Willow”? Dear God. You make me cry. “Labyrinth” made the list? The horror! Who can’t love Jim Henson? I love Jim Henson! Jim Henson was a veritable god of puppets. And let’s face it: Jennifer Connelly was hot. I won’t deny it. Come on, people. You know she was.

While the others, I couldn’t care much for either. I can best you on certain films that utterly wreak with suckiness much more than those you’ve listed. And I bet you will agree with me. Also, for added pleeeeeaaasuuuure…I will include in a later post my top list of BEST fantasy films as well . Of course, Genevieve, they will be my opinions. And I fully respect a disagreement on your part. In fact, I salute you. Yes, I do. We are kindred. We are one in the same. We all bear the same ring. We all–

All right, I’m stopping. Here we go. My top ten WORST fantasy films ever.

========================================= 

10. “The Dungeonmaster”

The obvious archaic special effects and cinematography and acting wasn’t all that was bad about this film; it was the premise. We have a computer geek-turned-super warrior named “Excalibrate”, so named after the computer geek’s lovable computer, “Excalibur-8″. Catchy. 70 minutes of a guy with a wristband that shoots out these red colors as he goes through seven challenges and never breaks a sweat. It just doesn’t fly. Plus it is just simply cheesy. I’m talkin’ Gorgonzola.

9. “Deathstalker: The Last Great Warrior”

I won’t even mention the plot, because even I can’t understand it. It’s about a barbarian dude who wants to participate in some kind of contest, and he has an unbelievably indestructible sword that makes him invincible, and he sleeps with lots of women. I dunno. Something like that. First bit of suckiness–MAJOR rip-off of Conan. Second bit of suckiness–I felt like I was watching the quality of porn, only set in the fantasy genre and without the porn sex, which made no sense. That’s all I have to say about that.

8. “Dungeons & Dragons I and II”

Although I loved Jeremy Irons in the first film, something about seeing Marlon Wayans in a fantasy film dedicated to the epic Dungeons & Dragons roleplaying game left a horribly sour battery-acid taste in my mouth. And that’s not fun. Plus, let’s be real: it’s a roleplaying game. It would be a stretch to even make a plausible film based on one.

7. “Beastmaster II: Through the Portal of Time”

I’m going to be honest here: I loved “Beastmaster”. It was classic. Marc Singer–that dark voice of his will always echo in my heart for ages, send chills of fear. He’s a barbarian, for crying out loud! But the sequel?? Dar traveling to present time Earth?  The cheesy dialogue? Verisimilitude hath crumbled into dust. Dear God. Someone cut my head off.

6. “The Sword and the Sorcerer”

The sad thing is I really wanted to like this one. A lot. But I just couldn’t. Again, the acting made my insides squeeze and my nose gush blood (figuratively). And while the idea of a triple sword was cool, really, watching one of the blades ’shoot’ out was like watching wires pull it out and drag it across the set. Cheeeeeeeeeeesy. A perfect example of ideas that stretched farther than technology could accommodate (thank God for CGI, baby).

5. “Kull the Conqueror”

No offense, Sam Raimi (I mean, really you’re a god, especially knowing you’re heading up the production of “Legend of the Seeker”), but “Hercules: The Legendary Journeys” was a little too gay for me. I understand the take on it. I respect it. Didn’t like it, though. I think it was Kevin Sorbo. I mean, come on–Sorbo? What kind of name is Sorbo? And seeing him as Kull in this flick really whopped me. Robert E. Howard would retch at the sight of this. He might’ve already.

4. “The Librarian: Quest for the Spear”

Holy crap. Just because Indiana Jones taught at a university part-time doesn’t mean a geeky librarian could face evil. He wields books. They’re made of paper. He has not a speck of athletic ability. They took our beloved image of Harrison Ford and shot a dose of sheer pansiness. I practically saw diapers on the guy. Can’t remember his name in the movie or in real life, come to think of it. Oh, well.

3. “The Barbarians”

Really. I saw this in the theater when I was a kid. I liked barbarians. I liked Conan. I was big on Conan. But these two looked like bulgy pieces of rubber with pudgy faces. Even Conan had some traces of facial body hair. These barbarian twins were more slippery than greased bikini babes. Dear God, what if they got a scratch on their flawless skin. Makeup! And, really? That’s the title? Isn’t it obvious? That is what it’s about. Barbarians. Ingenius!

2. “The NeverEnding Story III”

The enigma, the dark feeling, the massive world-building of the original film based on the book went bye-bye in this utterly wretched continuation of a mutation to try and cash in on the legend that was the original, with the freakin’ “Free Willy” kid playing Bastian. Seriously? Are you kidding me? Even our beloved Jonathan Brandis held up okay in the film before this one, albeit also a total virus to the original. Plus not to mention–why in God’s name is Rock Biter singing “Born to be Wild” for?

1. “Wizards of the Lost Kingdom”

This is my number one pick for all-time worst fantasy film. For an overall reason. First off, it was blazingly hard rating these ten movies. They all sucked. When you get to a certain point of suckage, intensity of suckage doesn’t seem to matter. However, I chose this one specifically because of the amazingly horrid special effects, costume work, premise and acting. Our hero, the teenage wizard, with his puny little body and boyish, short black hair–I mean, Eragon could eat him alive! We had the token “bulky, big warrior”, too, only he looked like a marine from the 20th century. I remember that crystal clear, and I’m still dumbfounded by it. Plus the dude didn’t know how to stand on his own two feet well enough to wield his broadsword.

And worst of all–this is such a wretched sin to even mention this, but I have to considering I had discovered this while researching these films I had seen so very long ago–

THERE WAS A SEQUEL.

HOLY. CRAP. The boy wizard returns to defeat evil with his puberty. Fan-freakin-tastic.

This just popped in my head. I don’t know why. I just get this way. They’re like chords in my mind. They suddenly sing.

And I remember bits of dialogue, bits of brilliance that made me laugh, made me shake my head. And this one catches me as the ultimate, the best, the greatest (well, one of the greatest, anyway) dialogue sequences known to man. It is so good, that it belongs in its own post. Here it is. Enjoy.

I need to display the sickly, maniacal giddiness that is me over the upcoming premiere of a series that I will utterly devote my life, my soul to–

LEGEND OF THE SEEKER

As First Wizard Zedd would say…. “Nothing is ever easy”. It is not easy having to wait one more week. ONE. MORE. WEEK. It premieres on ABC, Nov. 1, two-hour premiere. Can’t wait. Will die if I miss it. I don’t even mean it figuratively. I mean, literally. I am going to literally DIE…if I miss it. My heart will stop, my eyes will roll in the back of my head. I will physically die and go to Hell if I miss my two-hour premiere. Yes.

In case you’re wondering why this new fantasy series is so important to me–if you can recall the very first post on my blog, I revealed to you a favorite author of mine–TERRY GOODKIND. He wrote a fantasy series of books that is dear to me. “Sword of Truth” series. The first book of his that kept me up all night was WIZARD’S FIRST RULE.

“Legend of the Seeker”, premiering on ABC, is based on that book. And the following seasons (as I’m sure the series will do well on television) will also follow the storylines of Goodkind’s continuing books up to his last book CONFESSOR.

Needless to say, I–AM–STOKED. I’m shakin’ in my boots. I cannot wait. Only, what, seven days left? Anyway, here’s a wonderful YouTube clip of the first ten minutes that will premiere for the first 2-hour episode. It will truly rawk. Taco Supreme, everyone. Indeed. Taco Supreme.