Writing and Reading

Come on, Genevieve, you’re omitting some of the most sickly fantasy films in all of history here. Oh, hey, people; how’s it going? Just ranting again about things I’ve read online from some of the best writers, columnists etc etc.

I’m referring to this article the prolific and lovely-named Genevieve Valentine wrote for Fantasy Magazine by Prime Books. “No Objectivity: 10 Fantasy Movies That Ruined It for the Rest of Us.” While there were some I definitely agree with, others made me scream in my head…. “Nooooo waaaaaaay!”

I respect you, Genevieve. Believe me, I do. You knock “Willow”? Dear God. You make me cry. “Labyrinth” made the list? The horror! Who can’t love Jim Henson? I love Jim Henson! Jim Henson was a veritable god of puppets. And let’s face it: Jennifer Connelly was hot. I won’t deny it. Come on, people. You know she was.

While the others, I couldn’t care much for either. I can best you on certain films that utterly wreak with suckiness much more than those you’ve listed. And I bet you will agree with me. Also, for added pleeeeeaaasuuuure…I will include in a later post my top list of BEST fantasy films as well . Of course, Genevieve, they will be my opinions. And I fully respect a disagreement on your part. In fact, I salute you. Yes, I do. We are kindred. We are one in the same. We all bear the same ring. We all–

All right, I’m stopping. Here we go. My top ten WORST fantasy films ever.

========================================= 

10. “The Dungeonmaster”

The obvious archaic special effects and cinematography and acting wasn’t all that was bad about this film; it was the premise. We have a computer geek-turned-super warrior named “Excalibrate”, so named after the computer geek’s lovable computer, “Excalibur-8″. Catchy. 70 minutes of a guy with a wristband that shoots out these red colors as he goes through seven challenges and never breaks a sweat. It just doesn’t fly. Plus it is just simply cheesy. I’m talkin’ Gorgonzola.

9. “Deathstalker: The Last Great Warrior”

I won’t even mention the plot, because even I can’t understand it. It’s about a barbarian dude who wants to participate in some kind of contest, and he has an unbelievably indestructible sword that makes him invincible, and he sleeps with lots of women. I dunno. Something like that. First bit of suckiness–MAJOR rip-off of Conan. Second bit of suckiness–I felt like I was watching the quality of porn, only set in the fantasy genre and without the porn sex, which made no sense. That’s all I have to say about that.

8. “Dungeons & Dragons I and II”

Although I loved Jeremy Irons in the first film, something about seeing Marlon Wayans in a fantasy film dedicated to the epic Dungeons & Dragons roleplaying game left a horribly sour battery-acid taste in my mouth. And that’s not fun. Plus, let’s be real: it’s a roleplaying game. It would be a stretch to even make a plausible film based on one.

7. “Beastmaster II: Through the Portal of Time”

I’m going to be honest here: I loved “Beastmaster”. It was classic. Marc Singer–that dark voice of his will always echo in my heart for ages, send chills of fear. He’s a barbarian, for crying out loud! But the sequel?? Dar traveling to present time Earth?  The cheesy dialogue? Verisimilitude hath crumbled into dust. Dear God. Someone cut my head off.

6. “The Sword and the Sorcerer”

The sad thing is I really wanted to like this one. A lot. But I just couldn’t. Again, the acting made my insides squeeze and my nose gush blood (figuratively). And while the idea of a triple sword was cool, really, watching one of the blades ’shoot’ out was like watching wires pull it out and drag it across the set. Cheeeeeeeeeeesy. A perfect example of ideas that stretched farther than technology could accommodate (thank God for CGI, baby).

5. “Kull the Conqueror”

No offense, Sam Raimi (I mean, really you’re a god, especially knowing you’re heading up the production of “Legend of the Seeker”), but “Hercules: The Legendary Journeys” was a little too gay for me. I understand the take on it. I respect it. Didn’t like it, though. I think it was Kevin Sorbo. I mean, come on–Sorbo? What kind of name is Sorbo? And seeing him as Kull in this flick really whopped me. Robert E. Howard would retch at the sight of this. He might’ve already.

4. “The Librarian: Quest for the Spear”

Holy crap. Just because Indiana Jones taught at a university part-time doesn’t mean a geeky librarian could face evil. He wields books. They’re made of paper. He has not a speck of athletic ability. They took our beloved image of Harrison Ford and shot a dose of sheer pansiness. I practically saw diapers on the guy. Can’t remember his name in the movie or in real life, come to think of it. Oh, well.

3. “The Barbarians”

Really. I saw this in the theater when I was a kid. I liked barbarians. I liked Conan. I was big on Conan. But these two looked like bulgy pieces of rubber with pudgy faces. Even Conan had some traces of facial body hair. These barbarian twins were more slippery than greased bikini babes. Dear God, what if they got a scratch on their flawless skin. Makeup! And, really? That’s the title? Isn’t it obvious? That is what it’s about. Barbarians. Ingenius!

2. “The NeverEnding Story III”

The enigma, the dark feeling, the massive world-building of the original film based on the book went bye-bye in this utterly wretched continuation of a mutation to try and cash in on the legend that was the original, with the freakin’ “Free Willy” kid playing Bastian. Seriously? Are you kidding me? Even our beloved Jonathan Brandis held up okay in the film before this one, albeit also a total virus to the original. Plus not to mention–why in God’s name is Rock Biter singing “Born to be Wild” for?

1. “Wizards of the Lost Kingdom”

This is my number one pick for all-time worst fantasy film. For an overall reason. First off, it was blazingly hard rating these ten movies. They all sucked. When you get to a certain point of suckage, intensity of suckage doesn’t seem to matter. However, I chose this one specifically because of the amazingly horrid special effects, costume work, premise and acting. Our hero, the teenage wizard, with his puny little body and boyish, short black hair–I mean, Eragon could eat him alive! We had the token “bulky, big warrior”, too, only he looked like a marine from the 20th century. I remember that crystal clear, and I’m still dumbfounded by it. Plus the dude didn’t know how to stand on his own two feet well enough to wield his broadsword.

And worst of all–this is such a wretched sin to even mention this, but I have to considering I had discovered this while researching these films I had seen so very long ago–

THERE WAS A SEQUEL.

HOLY. CRAP. The boy wizard returns to defeat evil with his puberty. Fan-freakin-tastic.