Writing and Reading

The closer I get to Monday…the worse I feel. I’m so exhausted….

Hey, folks…. It’s me.

I’m trying to focus here. Not doing so well. You see, I’m beginning to realize something very crucial here. The meaning behind the conflict. It’s so crucial. And so simple.

You see, people–the truth is, I’m not afraid. I’m not afraid of what the world will bring right now. I personally think, at least in my eyes–my opinion–that the world has delivered enough punishment. Enough pain. Enough to last a lifetime.

So I’m not afraid. I’m not worried. I don’t fear. Not anymore.

So as far as issues go concerning me–on the inside–

There are none. There are no inner issues to represent the side of me that doesn’t want to enlist in the Navy….

The issues, however, that do exist….

Those who love me and I love in return. I’ve noticed something about them. I’ve noticed it in the worst way. It’s scary. It’s scary seeing them like that.

They’re terrified.

They don’t want to see me go because they’re afraid for me. It’s not me. It’s them.

I don’t blame them. If I were in their position, I’d feel the same way.

But here’s the thing, people–I’m not afraid. And I’m going to be fine. I promise. I won’t let the world crash down on me. No matter what the world throws at me.

I can’t base my decision on fear. I certainly can’t base my decision on the fear others feel. It hurts, I know–but I can’t.

Now hold on, hold on, hold on–I’m not saying I’ve made my decision.

But I am saying that there are others who need to know what I’m facing right now. And what they feel matters, too. And I need to hear what matters to them. I need to see it in their eyes. I need to feel it. I need to see whether or not there’s fear. And I mean real fear. Then I’ll weigh the two sides. I need to be at peace when I do. Sound judgement. You know?

Just as the title of my blog says… “Unforgivable Ranting”. Just another ranting. But here’s my main point as to why I’m writing to you right now.

Recently, I received an e-mail from a close friend at church. She’s a prime example as to how flawed the world is–because she was the one friend/mentor who truly believed I had chosen the right woman to spend the rest of my life with. There’s no fighting the flaws of the world, you know?

Anyway, she gave me her thoughts pertaining to my dilemma. My conflict. The choice that would ultimately decide my future for the coming years. She told me to open a book. It’s a big book. With lots of chapters in it.

The Bible. Now that’s what I love about writing and reading. Books like the Bible.

I opened it to Proverbs 2-4. Many of the verses reached so deep into me that I felt a silence stir, all inside me emptying out. And in its place, replaced with…something.

But one verse jumped out at me the most. I’ll carry it with me till Monday when I’m faced with my decision. Because it’ll remind me. It’ll remind me just how flawed the world can be–there’s no hiding from it, there’s no way around it, there’s no escaping it.

But you can do one thing that’ll overcome it–you stare it in the face and walk through it. You walk through it on ground that will never fall beneath your feet. You will always have confidence in the Lord. The Lord will always be there….

I need to go to bed, but I’ll leave you with that Scripture. It’s actually the last three verses of Proverbs 4. Hold it close to your heart–as I do mine. Take care of yourselves, readers. Thanks.

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“Let your eyes look straight ahead, fix your gaze directly before you. Make level paths for your feet and take only ways that are firm. Do not swerve to the right or the left; keep your foot from evil.”

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Good night.